so funny i laughed until i peed (sp?)

you are going to love this. if you are a dog, especially a big dog, try this one. you will thank me. as you know i'm a dog, so i'm not too smart. but on occasion i do come up with something that is show stopping. this is the best one in my 56 dog years. i do have mixed feelings about blogging about this, because once the big one reads this then the game is over. but i just have to share. i'm so tired of sitting in my kennel and laughing by myself.

this took some cultivation. when i was first adopted i pretended to be afraid of stairs. eventually they bribed me with tons of treats to go up and down. worked perfectly. lots of treats for just walking up and down stairs. i didn't even have to roll over or shake their hands. so then for about 6 years stairs were no big deal. then i decided it was time to harvest the seed.

for the past couple of weeks i sit by the bottom of the stairs and whine. make them think i'm afraid again. on occasion i'll scramble up. i can always get down. now the only time they usually go upstairs is to go to sleep. so they'll go up and shut off all the lights. i'll remain in the living room. when i hear them get really quiet, just when they are about to fall asleep, i'll start to cry. not a big sky is falling cry, not a bear is in the yard bark, just a little whine. just loud enough for them to hear me. i keep going and eventually the big one starts to whistle and call my name. i love it when he calls my name and i don't respond. so i continue to whine and he continues to whistle. this wakes up everyone.

eventually i can tell he starts to loose his temper and he comes downstairs. now imagine this sight. he comes downstairs in his boxer briefs. i'm laying at the foot of the stairs. he has to step over me. he turns on the light, and then makes that great face when the light hits his eyes. he hates it.

he trys to coax me with kindness. doesn't work. he goes to the pantry and gets a treat. sweet. then he does what i love. i have him at this moment. he is all mine. forget that he is the higher evolved being. i pwn him. he bends down and picks me up. i'm 85 pounds. he picks me up in his boxer briefs and carries me up the stairs. once we are up top he puts me down and gives me a treat. booya.

i can do this every night and it always ends the same way. god i love life.

yeehaw

just thought i'd use this forum, which is mine afterall, to express some bitterness. everyone thinks i'm such an easy going pup. "kafka, you are so cute" "kafka, you are so sweet." sweet my ass. i want to bite. i want to growl. i want to threaten. but i can't. believe me i try. when i see that smug self-satisfied look on the big one's face it makes me want to bite his face off. but then i remember how he buys me that special dog food that doesn't give me the runs. if i bit his face off he might buy me purina, or worse yet that shit they sell at walmart roy something or another. now that would really suck. so the only thing i bite is my tongue. i hold in the rage, hold in the anger, hold in all the feelings. repression is good i keep telling myself. push it down, stuff it down, hold it down. wag the nub, shake the butt, cuddle up when i have the chance. that will keep the runs away, and isn't that every dog's dream???